detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
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if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.