Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
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I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!