My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
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i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
the prophecy has been fulfilled
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians