I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
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in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?