Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
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Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.