Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
You Might Also Like
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
He’s dead
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.