*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
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ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
This probably isn’t good
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?