Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
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@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please