I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
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ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.