Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
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If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.