Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
You Might Also Like
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
this post was so formative to me
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”