I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
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Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy