Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
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HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.