I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
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*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
My god she’s good.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.