*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
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When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
This probably isn’t good
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van