[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
You Might Also Like
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Practicing safe sax
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention