Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
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[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
dream blunt rotation
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”