My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
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me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Ghost costume 😂
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage