Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.