The hardest thing Vision has to do
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Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
no their not
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?