We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
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I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
live, laugh, laundry.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
inside you are two wolves
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild