Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
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I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Kids: Stay in school.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Tough love is true love
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
When you kidnap a writer.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work