Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
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Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.