maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
You Might Also Like
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*