HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
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My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
c’mon!
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken