do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
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My neck, my back, my…
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Eat…
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways