I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
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My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car