Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
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[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.