My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
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[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.