When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
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Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I never needed anything more in my life
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?