We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
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If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
(Jupiter –
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Sing it!
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Ugh but profoundly