so weird how every mom was born today
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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
We all have our pet causes.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid