writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
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(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will