If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
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I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.