Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
You Might Also Like
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
water it, i dare you
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them