I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
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Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
is nasa ok
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes