My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
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Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.