*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
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ME (calling my horse with no name):
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Does beer think about me too?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.