putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
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People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Me recordaron éste meme
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I think they could have phrased this better
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.