Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
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Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Mistakes were made
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW