Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
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Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Comparing yourself to others
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
opening twitter today
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”