My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
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Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.