Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
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Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
What about second breakfast?
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”