[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
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Breakfast for Stoners:
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.