I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
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I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish