[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
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*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.