[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
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Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Bobby pin
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro