Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
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The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
thanksgiving should be called feaster
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Everyone’s family
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.