New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
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Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.