5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
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Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
You know…for fall…
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car